i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
