i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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