Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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