I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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