I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
