i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Two words: nipple clamps
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