Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
