Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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