Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im part way to drunk.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
