so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
