I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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