Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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