Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.