Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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