Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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