Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
