yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry my hands just texted you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
