Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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