We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
