U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
