I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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