Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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