apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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