Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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