I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
