theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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