if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
