My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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