Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
