I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
