sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
