ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
