He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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