Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
