mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i came on her dog
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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