Kiss
Puke
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
