He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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