I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
