i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
