so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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