Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
