Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
thus making me awesome and them whores
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
