i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
