you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
