Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i now understand why vodka
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
