Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
