Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
it hurts more in the daytime
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
