Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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