you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
