Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
