her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
