my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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