Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i think my cat just said my name.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
