She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
