Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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