I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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