I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
