i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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