Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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