just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
