my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
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At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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